---
title: How to Bring The Spark Back Into Your Relationship
description: Small changes can bring a bit of spark back into a relationship. Most couples struggle with how to introduce them without pressure. Here's how to do it.
canonical_url: https://wetriedthis.com/journal/bring-spark-back-relationship
md_url: https://wetriedthis.com/journal/bring-spark-back-relationship.md
last_updated: 2026-05-27T08:19:05+00:00
---

# How to bring the spark back into your relationship

Small changes can bring a bit of spark back into a relationship, but most couples struggle with how to introduce them without pressure. Here's how to do it naturally.

**I don't think most relationships become boring "overnight".**

**They just slowly turn predictable.**  

Think the same routines, conversations you've had a thousand times, or the ways you spend time together. Nothing is wrong, yet nothing feels new either. But I really do think that little spark can come back through small changes that make you notice each other again.

**TL;DR**

Relationships don't suddenly fall apart, they become predictable over time

Small changes matter because they make you pay attention to each other again

Most couples don't lack ideas, they struggle to actually follow through on them

The way you introduce change matters just as much as the change itself

This is exactly what happened in my previous relationship.

We'd talk about doing something different during the day. By the evening, we'd both be tired, sit down "for a minute", put something on while deciding... and that would quietly become the plan.

Dinner, Netflix (and not the 'and chill' one), the usual doom scrolling…

After a while, every evening started to feel exactly the same. And the tricky part is, it doesn't even register as a problem. At least not at first. It just feels like normal life settling in.

Only later did I realize it wasn't that anything had changed between us, but that nothing really does anymore.

That's usually where novelty goes and dies.

Once you understand that though, it becomes much easier to do something about it.

So what actually causes this to happen, and how do you bring a bit of spark back?

## What novelty means in a relationship

Novelty in a relationship means introducing new or slightly different shared experiences that feel engaging rather than routine. In practice, it's simply doing something new together.

That took me a while to understand back then.

At first, I thought "something new" meant doing something completely different, or booking some elaborate date night we'd both be too tired to actually do by Friday anyway.

Half the time it was just something stupidly small, like:

trying something we'd never done together

changing how we usually spent time

approaching something familiar in a different way

But not all "new" ideas work the same, though.

The ones that usually bring you closer aren't just different. They feel a bit more interesting, exciting, and just outside your usual routine without being uncomfortable.

When things become too predictable, they slowly go unnoticed.
Push too far the other way, and it can feel forced or stressful instead of connecting.

The sweet spot is actually somewhere in between.

Psychologists describe this as  self-expansion : people feel closer when they grow through shared experiences.

Couples who regularly try new things together tend to feel more satisfied and more connected.

That's why novelty in a relationship matters. It keeps things from feeling static.

## Why does it fade over time?

Novelty in relationships fades because repeated experiences become familiar, which reduces attention and emotional response over time (a process known as [habituation](https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2754195/) ).

Most relationships don't lose it because something is wrong. They lose it because life slowly settles into natural patterns:

the same routines come back

conversations follow the same paths

time together starts to look familiar, even when everything is technically fine

That's pretty much how it happened for us too. Nothing big, just the same things repeating in what felt like an endless loop. And at some point, nothing really stands out anymore. 

Re-introducing a bit of novelty works because it makes you pay attention again, and attention is what makes an experience feel meaningful in the first place.

Without it, things just... flatten out.

Things you used to actively enjoy together slowly turn into background noise.

After a while, this doesn't just lower excitement; it also makes boredom much more likely to creep in. When experiences you share together lack variation, you start feeling less and less connected over time.

So the issue isn't necessarily the relationship itself.

It's that things just keep playing out the same way over and over.

## How to bring novelty back into your relationship

You don't need big changes for this to work. Small ones, repeated often enough, are what actually get noticed. In practice, even short moments can make a difference.

Research by [Arthur Aron](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arthur_Aron) and colleagues found that couples who spent as little as [7 minutes doing something new and exciting](https://files.blogs.baruch.cuny.edu/wp-content/blogs.dir/7309/files/2019/11/Aron_Norman_Aron_McKenna_Heyman_2000.pdf)  together reported higher relationship quality afterward.

In experimental settings, observers also noticed a pattern emerging. After sharing new experiences, couples showed more positive ways of interacting, like being more supportive and less negative towards each other.

That was the shift for me. The things that worked weren't the big plans, just small incremental changes that made the same moments actually feel different.

### Small changes that actually get noticed

You don't need to reinvent the wheel every single time.

Just changing one element at a time is often enough:

catching that "what do you wanna do?" → "I don't know, what do you wanna do?" loop, writing a few ideas down, throwing them in a bowl, and randomly picking one instead of dragging it out

noticing when you've both defaulted to watching something and actually committing to one thing instead of half-watching while doom scrolling (you know exactly what I mean)

taking one of those "we should try that someday" ideas and doing the lowest-effort version of it that same night instead of waiting for the perfect moment

setting a simple rule for the evening like "phones stay in another room, right now it's just about us"

doing something you can react to together instead of something you both passively consume, even simple things like a game, cooking something new, or a conversation you wouldn't normally have

picking something slightly random on purpose once in a while (a place, a plan, even a walk somewhere new) instead of going with the same thing yet again

When everything stays the same, your brain stops paying attention.

If everything changes, it all starts to feel uncomfortably unstable.

So you need just enough change to make things feel different, but still familiar enough to remain comfortable.

And the way you introduce change matters just as much as the change itself.

## Why does trying new things feel awkward?

Trying something new can feel awkward because it disrupts what already feels stable, which creates friction.

When you suggest it, there's usually a split second of uncertainty. You're not quite sure how it'll be received. You might feel exposed, or worry about being misunderstood, or worse, judged.

That tension is normal.

I remember having this back and forth in my head about whether to even bring these new ideas up because I didn't want it to sound like I wasn't happy with how things were, even though part of me clearly felt that way.

And that actually makes sense.

Psychologically, anything new introduces uncertainty, which the brain tends to treat as a [potential threat](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0887618516300469) at first.

But that discomfort is often a signal, not a problem.

If it feels slightly awkward, you're probably doing something different enough to matter. I know I did.

## How do I ask my partner about trying something new?

The easiest way to bring it up is to keep it low-pressure and frame it as something you'd like to explore together, not something that sounds like a complaint.

There's a difference between saying "this is getting boring, it's always the same thing" and "I found something interesting, wanna try it?". One puts unnecessary pressure on the relationship, while the other keeps things open.

Framed that way, it feels shared, optional, and worth exploring.

People generally respond better when they feel included, not evaluated.

Talk about what you want to experience, not what's missing. It keeps the conversation easy to respond to instead of turning it into something to fix. That's really all [positive, collaborative communication](https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.767908/full) needs to be.

Most of the time, this comes down to small, casual moments rather than a big conversation:

"what if we changed this up a bit next time?"

"wanna try something different this weekend?"

"I came across something we could try together"

You really don't need to make a whole thing out of it. Just keep it natural, and easy to say yes to.

Things changed for me when I stopped overthinking how to bring them up.

There was a point where I just started saying things as they came, without trying to phrase them perfectly. Not "we need to fix this" or "we gotta do something different", just random thoughts like "we could try this" or "this might be fun".

Some of them went nowhere. Some got ignored. But every now and then, we'd actually end up doing it.

Once it stopped feeling like something we had to "get right", it just became part of how we spent time together.

## Putting it into practice

Once you're both open to trying something a bit different, it usually comes down to simple changes that fit into your normal routine.

You don't need a long list; a few ideas that fit your life are usually enough.

Here's what tends to work well:

**Change the setting**
Keep the activity the same, but change where or when it happens.

**Change one small thing**
Go to the same restaurant but order for each other. Switch your usual evening routine to morning. Take something familiar and add a simple constraint, like no phones or different roles.

**Follow through on something you've already talked about**
It removes the pressure of having to come up with something completely new.

Even small changes like that can go a long way.

For some couples, this carries over into their sex life too.

The same principle applies here as well: small changes, introduced gradually.

And it doesn't mean doing anything 'extreme' either.  [Research on sexual novelty](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886919302326)  shows that it can range from simple shifts to more intentional changes, depending on what feels new for the couple.

That might look like:

changing context or timing

trying a different dynamic

taking a shower or bath together

setting aside time specifically for intimacy

or [experimenting with something like a sex toy](https://wetriedthis.com/journal/introduce-sex-toys-relationship) if both partners are open to it

What feels "new" is subjective, though. It depends on the couple, and can also change over time.

## How do you keep novelty alive in long-term relationships?

You keep novelty alive in a long-term relationship by staying curious about how your partner is changing, and letting that shape how you both connect.

What changes over time isn't just what you do together, it's who you both become.

Think about a 10-year relationship. You're not the same person at 30 that you were at 20. What you enjoy, how you spend your time, what matters to you, even your energy levels… all of that eventually shifts with time.

And the same goes for your partner.

It's just part of how we evolve. What matters is staying engaged with those changes.

That's where a lot of long-term novelty actually comes from. Not constantly finding new things to do, but staying interested in those changes as they naturally happen.

For me, it started showing up in small ways.

Seeing what my partner was getting into, showing an interest, sometimes even trying these new things together. Not because anything was planned, but because it was new and clearly meaningful.

You're not interacting with the exact same version of each other all the time. There's always something slightly new to discover, even in familiar situations.

Over time, I guess that matters more than trying to keep everything exciting on the surface. It's less about adding novelty, and more about noticing what's already changing.

**FAQs**

### How do you stop your relationship from getting boring?

You stop your relationship from getting boring by regularly breaking routine with small, shared changes that keep things engaging and slightly unpredictable.

### How often should couples try new things together?

You should try new things together regularly, focusing on small, consistent changes each week rather than relying on occasional big experiences.

### How do you spice up your relationship?

You spice up your relationship by breaking routine with small changes, like changing your environment, adding a bit of playfulness, or doing something slightly different together.

## Final thoughts: don't let your relationship run on autopilot

If things have started to feel a bit the same lately, you're not the only one.

It doesn't mean anything is broken, just that things might need switching up a little.

Next time one of those "we should try that" ideas comes up, don't save it for later. Do the simplest version of it right there and then. Not the perfect version, don't overthink it. Just go with whatever fits in that moment.

That's usually when things start to change.